#239 Women and Money: When what you learned back then doesn't serve you anymore.

I woke up wanting to riff about money and then I saw this thing online that went something like:

"what if the light workers of the world controlled the purse strings"

and it got me fired up. There's a reason I want to teach people about money. Money is so taboo in our culture and it's gendered and tied to so much conditioning that keeps us playing small. I want to debunk those myths because money is the key to freedom in this world we live in. But first we have to talk about some tough stuff. I've learned a lot along the way and I suspect that I have a lot more to learn yet but I also have a lot to teach. Here are some of the lessons I have learned where the rubber hits the road. 

We were conditioned to believe things that would hold us back. I like to use the phrase "it's easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven" to make a point. The crap we were fed wounded us and made us become all judgmental about people with money. What we needed to be doing was learning from them. So, you've heard it here - we learned stuff that keeps us stuck. The good news - we can unlearn.

We learn vicariously by watching. Have you ever watched someone get disciplined for something and said to yourself "I'm never doing that." That is learning by watching or learning vicariously. When we were kids, we didn't have a choice about what we learned so we learned to take on the baggage of our family of origin. Some of those lessons no longer serve us. 

Join the affluent at their table. I am blessed to have the most amazing people around me. They are the people that I was taught to judge. They're the affluent. Had I not challenged my own assumptions and judgements, I never could have built a business. These wonderful people share all kinds of nuggets about building wealth - they share ideas about business. They welcome me to the table. They aren't bad people and they're not concerned with what the camel can do  - they do so much good in the world. I feel blessed to be in their company. 

You were doing the best that you could. Bankruptcy was a big shame moment for me but here's the deal - I was doing the best that I could. The decisions that I made raising a young child, going to school full time as a blind woman led me to a foreclosure notice on my house. No one could bail me out. It was me and my daughter all alone in the world. What a day. 

Bankruptcy taught me about budgeting and since then I have learned that making a dollar is way better than stretching a dollar. I have taught hundreds of people what I know about spending plans and making money. It is a blessing that I went down that road - it gave me empathy for others and taught me a lot about who is in your corner. 

You are someone's role model. I have a before and after money story - I had a lot of unlearning to do. The role models in my life didn't have the skills and knowledge to get me to this place because they had never been there. They were doing their best. You are also someone's role model. What are you teaching the people who observe you? Are your children learning that there is an abundance out there for anyone who is ready to learn new skills? Or are they being taught about scarcity and playing small. These are choices. 

Unlearning is a thing. I had a lot to unlearn when I started out. I learned about fixed and growth mindset (Google it and I promise you'll love it) and decided then and there that I was interested in growth - I had to clear out what wasn't working and the doors that opened as a result of this re-education - wowsers. I'm on a lifelong learning journey and it's made for a very interesting life. Unlearning helped me to become an entrepreneur when vision loss took away my career. 

When women learn, the community benefits. What if the right people controlled the purse strings. Moving from heart to serve to profit motive meant that I stopped letting people take advantage of me. But I didn't give up wanting to be a generous giver. I found ways to do this that didn't undermine my business. Mostly I share knowledge with the people around me. If we had more people in the right places we would eradicate homelessness.

Make money your friend.  First off, if you think money is not important, you haven't looked at the price of housing lately. Women and men have told me that they were forced into big mortgages when their spouses got big jobs - there's this habit of wanting to show the world that you're successful that can be so damaging - especially when you encumber your money with more debt. There's a better way to build wealth and tackle the long game of lifelong financial stability but it requires that you make money your friend. Money isn't good or bad - it's an exchange of value. You're not a better person because you don't want much money - think about what you believe below the service. 

Enabling is a thing. Have you ever worked for someone who made a ton of money off of your skill but didn't really compensate you well? Well, enabling is what you do when you stay in that situation past its best before date. We have all heard that person complaining about how bad things are and we want to say "why don't you leave". I used to be one of those people and it's complicated. I get it.

Empowerment is when you leave and it's especially empowering when you realize that you have a ton of value and you're going to figure out how to build a better life. It takes a long time to go from being a doormat to being a business woman who is taken seriously. I  know it to be true.

Process your crap. Childhood trauma makes my heart ache but you were a child and you were not at fault. I say this because childhood trauma keeps us playing small and impacts our money path.  Speak your truth in a secure setting, process your pain and watch what it does for your journey. It's golden. Your crap can hold you back.

Trust yourself. Not all people will have your back. There were even women who wouldn't support me because they haven't pulled the lever on their own freedom and they're not able to. Bless and release is a skill that you acquire over time. Trusting yourself to make good decisions about people and about money is mission critical to building a good life. 

Want me to come and talk to your group about all things money? Give me a holler. 

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